I’ve written this blog post at least seventy five times now. Maybe 76 is the charm. I have used every swear word in the English language and called out every single person that has hurt me the last few weeks and months by name. I have furiously typed out in explicit detail a description of what I would like to do to them if there were no consequences or jail-time involved. I have broken coffee mugs and wine glasses and candles in fits of absolute rage. I have cried enough tears to flood the Mississippi River from the most intense emotional pain.
And as I sit here to type the 76th version of a life update, I am strangely calm. Other than my children and some very dear friends who are like family, I have nothing. Oh and I still have most of my cherished shoe collection. I know that you all have been waiting patiently to find out what all those vague clues on social media were adding up to. What is REALLY going on? Why isn’t she working? Where has Bryan gone? What is HAPPENING? And while I know I don’t owe anyone an explanation, I find that sharing it helps others feel less alone. If you realize that you are not the only one battling something it helps propel you forward.
Bryan and I will be divorced at the end of this month. There are so many soul-crushing details surrounding the end of our marriage and some of you know bits and pieces. The only ones who know the real story is Bryan, Me, and God. To hear his side, it would be all my fault. To hear my side, it would be mostly my fault. To hear God’s side, it would be interesting. Hahaha….I couldn’t resist. I cherish the life we made together and always will. The best parts of him and me are combined in the coolest kids ever – Mackenzie and Marshall. We both want the best parts of us to grow and thrive – even if our marriage couldn’t.
We are selling our home in Madison and will be closing on May 30th. We made a lot of beautiful memories in that home with our children and friends. It’s bittersweet to leave it and our dear friends across the street. My daughter thinks of them as her second family and for the last four and a half years they’ve become that to us.
I lost the job that I loved so dearly on May 1st. I have a lot of conspiracy theories about what went down. I was told one thing, but I don’t really believe it. Especially since my boss and my work frenemy were both promoted within days of my “resignation”. And then I got a handwritten card in the mail the week after which read:
“Life has a way of holding us accountable, teaching us lessons and helping us to become more self-aware. If we are smart, we learn from each journey and gain knowledge to help others in the future.”– Author’s name not named due to privacy
Hmmm…… So basically, don’t cheat on your husband or you will eventually get divorced. Don’t say FUCK around the wrong person (people) or you will eventually lose your job. Don’t be too much OR not enough or you will eventually be abandoned and left flailing in the wind.
On May 6th, Bryan told me that he had someone new in his life. They had been talking since the separation – back in February. When we decided to part ways, I knew there was someone in the back of his mind. I know him better than he gives me credit for. I knew that he would move on quickly and he deserved to. I was prepared to have a new person in our lives; just not that soon. Or at least it seemed soon to me. I knew he had never been unfaithful to me so that wasn’t a question…it just seemed fast to jump from one relationship to another. I was volatile when I found out about her; even more so when I found out that he wanted to introduce her to all of us (me and my children). On Mother’s Day weekend.
I would like to point out now that as someone who is “learning” from each journey (Specifically to AUTHOR OF ABOVE NOTE), while my initial reaction of a wife who was not yet divorced from her husband of several years finding out that he had a new love interest and that she had a one year old child of her own was what you would expect: FURIOUS, BITTER, SAD, RESENTFUL…..I swallowed everything down and took a step back and realized that everything about my reaction was exactly what I would never want my children to know or see from me. So I asked for a second chance to get to know her and you know what? I think we might have become friends. She’s lovely; smart, sassy, beautiful, fun. And her baby? Precious! Mackenzie and Marshall are smitten. Our goal is to ensure that our tiny humans are loved and assured and that they grow up to be decent and kind individuals. The fact that we all three want that is a good enough start for me.
And finally on May 17th I got the news that Bryan is relocating to Wilmington, North Carolina to start a new job next month. Yes. And since we share custody of our babies and I don’t have a full time job or house or money….well, my options are limited. I’ve spent the better part of the last four years bitching about Mississippi – the weather – the perspectives – the landscape. And now, I’m heartbroken to leave it. Not because all of those negatives don’t exist but because of the people that I have fallen in love with here that canceled them out.
Shannon, Bootsey, Lisa, Jessie, Kim, Brooke, Rachel, Nicole, Christina, Mary Leslie, Priscilla, Austin, Avni, Laney, Ann Regan, Susannah, Nathan, James, Tripp, Brian, Rachel, Kyris, Patrick, Frank, Chris, Lindsay, Taylor D., Monty, Cora Beth, Emily, Lafayette, Melanie, Ali, Zach, Roz, Jane, Tate, Wendy P, Wendy H, Julia, Kez, Gareth, Carly, Carlie, Bekah, Kristin, Meredith, J.C., Mike, Kayla, Eric, Justin, Crimens, Annie, April, Kristy, Faith, Audrey, Joy, John, Ira, Devin, Sonia, Jess, Ebony, Adam, Carrie, Robert, Lee, Pam, Whitney, Donna, Brandon, Breah, Shaw, Roxanne, Hannah, Cameron, Ben, Joe, Tiffany, Jennifer, Haley, Laine, Nikesha, Coretta, Bill, Stanika, Erik.........I know there are so many more, but you all know who you are. We may not have been in constant contact over the last four years, but you came into my life and made it brighter and warmer and for that - I thank you. I will miss you so much. One of my oldest and dearest friends (who I get to see soon!!!!) taught me "People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime." These last few weeks have proven that more than anything. My life with my children is about to enter a new season and there will be a new batch of loved ones and friends that may come and go. My hope is that we embrace it with as much joy as we can find. If nothing else, I will press on and await a Brand New Day tomorrow.